My Stand-In Interview Service

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March 25, 2013 by Jay Helms

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It’s that time of the year, March Madness! And my favorite part of the season is upon us…the March Madness post-game interview…it’s almost exactly the same after every game. The only thing that ever changes is the player’s uniform number and color. The responses to an interviewer’s questions are so lovingly predictable. It’s awesome. It is more fun than Christmas morning. That’s why it is my favorite time of the year.

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I have decided to hire a sports agent and make myself available as a “stand-in” interview for those occasions when a writer/reporter/producer is under a deadline and access to a key player has somehow been limited.

For those of you who are sports writers, needing that key interview to finish your work for the night, I want you to know that the beautiful thing about my work is that the interview I will give you is reliably predictable, never wavering. In order to give you a glimpse into what you will get when you contact my agent for a, let’s say Lebron James, stand-in interview, I have compiled a list of key phrases I will use in the interview to make it as close to the real thing as possible. You can expect that I will spread the phrases listed below liberally throughout the interview. And the fun part is, you never know which one I am going to use at any given point in the interview. But wait! There’s more. I personally guarantee at multiple points in the interview to (in the spirit of authenticity) use these phrases in a way that show no traceable connection to the question you have just asked me! How legitimate is that?!

And so, below is an Official List of the Sports Interview Answer Phrases guaranteed to be used in every interview (For the record, I have actually heard each of these on multiple occasions):

1) “And whatnot.”
2) “And stuff like that.”
3) “We just did what we had to do.”
4) “I just have to thank my teammates.”
5) “My teammates did a great job”
6) “Everyone said we couldn’t do it.”
7) “We just had to go out there and execute.” (or in the case of a loss: We just didn’t execute.)
8) “I was just open, and I shot it (threw it, caught it), and it went in.”
9) “We matched (or did not match) their energy.”
10) “Coach had a great game plan.”

Bonus Response Phrases Available at an Additional Cost:
**I’m happy/sad. — Given in response to the question, “What are your emotions right now?”
**We just had to come out there and play harder. — Given in response to a question such as “In the first half you played awful and were getting embarrassed in front of your families. And then something happened and you started playing great. What happened?”
**Oh, yeah definitely. — Given in response to a leading question such as, “When the other team quit and walked away, did it help you win?”
**Most definitely, yeah. — same as above.
**It was really big for us. — Given in response to a leading question such as “How big was it for you when the referee kicked out everyone on the opposing team and you were free to play without an opponent against you?”
**Huge. — Given in response to a question like, “How big of a win is this world championship for you/your team?”

To hire me for interview services contact my agent: sportsinterview@gmizzy.com.

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Final Thoughts

Where have all the interesting people gone? Watch a sports interview and see if I am making any of this up. Seriously. Go do it. All too often, people are insufferable, weird (Dennis Rodman) or just boring.

At least Bono is interesting in an interview. That’s because Bono’s life has been changed by Jesus. One of the reasons I love Jesus, and a lot of people around him found him fascinating, was because he was open, full of life, and full of truth to share. He profoundly impacts the people who come close to him to sit at his feet and learn from him. He actually has something to offer, yet we spend more time listening closely to people who so often have so little to say that is of real value.

My favorite interview with Jesus:
Late one night a man of the religious ruling sect, Nicodemus, a prominent leader among the Jews visited Jesus and said, “Rabbi, we all know you’re a teacher straight from God. No one could do all the God-pointing, God-revealing acts you do if God weren’t in on it.” Jesus said, “You’re absolutely right. Take it from me: Unless a person is born from above, it’s not possible to see what I’m pointing to—to God’s kingdom.” Read more of this interview here.

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3 thoughts on “My Stand-In Interview Service

  1. Tammo says:

    I always used to say after my initial response to a question by the press…”but thats what the Germans would have us believe”….

  2. Mom says:

    Hey, Jay! I am finally checking my e-mail from several weeks back and found this hilarious post. You are so clever. I love it!
    Mom

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